I have been M.I.A from the blog for about a month, but it has been on my mind a lot. My life has been turned upside down and inside out in the last few months, and recently, I haven’t felt motivated or inspired to write much of anything.
Last April I contemplated getting weight loss surgery, and instead started on this incredible fitness journey. My husband and I changed the way we ate completely, started to go to the gym, and between the two of us we lost over 150 pounds in the first six months.
I have struggled with my weight all of my life. I was pretty young when I started getting bigger, and to cope, I ate my feelings. I would sneak and lie about food all of the time. My mom tried putting me on diets that restricted my eating so much I thought I was going to starve which made me binge eat more then and it was something I have struggled with ever since.
Without getting into a lot of detail, in February, my marriage was put on the line. In a few short weeks, that struggle became too overwhelming and I gained 60 of the 70 pounds I had lost. I had given up on everything. I binged relentlessly and kept eating until I was sick. Because if I made myself sick, I had something else to focus on other than the trials I was currently faced with.
I currently see a therapist once a week. She’s recommended me to start taking mood stabilizer medication; however, I’m not completely convinced that is something I actually need. Being able to openly talk to someone without judgement though, has been a life saver. My husband and I are working on rebuilding our relationship, and most days, that is going wonderfully. I have recommitted myself to healthy eating. I also started back at an amazing gym and I work with the greatest personal trainer twice a week.
I have been back to the gym for almost a month, and although I don’t feel like I’ve gotten any results yet (I only weigh myself every 4-6 weeks and that first six week period hasn’t come up yet) I have successfully gone 5 days a week (6:30-7:40am Monday-Friday) since the beginning with the exception of a couple of days that surrounded an emergency trip to Oregon to visit my mom while she was in the hospital.
I’ve been struggling with depression my entire life; however, I am just recently starting to face it head on instead of trying to ignore or hide from it. It is a daily (sometimes hourly) struggle. I cry more now than I have ever in my entire life. I am currently in the process of retraining my brain how to think of myself in a positive light instead of always being so self sabotaging. It doesn’t always work… but sometimes it does. And that is an amazing start.
It is my goal to focus more on general writing, even if it’s just getting my thoughts out of my head and onto the screen on a more regular basis. I also started my very first Instagram account to track my progress in my fitness journey, and to see out the support of others that are currently going through similar things as me, and to seek motivation from those that have already succeeded.
I posted my first set of “before” photo’s today and that was the single most terrifying thing I have ever done. Sure, I only have like 20 followers right now, but before, I wouldn’t even let my husband see these pictures. I plan to post updates every 4-6 weeks with updated pictures at least. I also plan to document some of my new food adventures as I attempt to figure out what works for me in this process as a whole. This is how I am going to keep myself accountable.
Well, I think I’ve taken up enough time for now. Thank you so much for reading this, and I can’t wait to get back into life again!