When Things Go Awry

jumbled mess

If only good intentions were enough to get us through the day. I had good intentions about my physical and mental health going into National Dance Day this past Saturday. I was having my typical introvert arguments with myself about being around gobs of people, but I got dressed for the gym and went anyway.

The dance room was far too small for the amount of women that showed up so the meet up was on the basketball court downstairs. I went into the day mentally prepared for 20-25 people at maximum. There was closer to 75. It was absolutely a great turn out to support my dance fitness instructor Kyya and the Lupus Foundation. She had her children checking people in and selling raffle tickets and all the while more women kept pouring in.

I am aware that I am an introvert and that me just walking up to strangers to start a conversation is probably never going to happen. I’m the awkward tall girl that stands near people and laughs at the jokes or smiles shyly if someone happens to look my way. Once I get to know a person; however, all bets are off.

This was not a get to know me event. This was a loud-talking-humid-filled room and it was overwhelming. I am not a small person, but I did my best to make myself as small as possible as people walked by.

I was approached for two things in the 20 minutes before the class started. The first was a request for me to move so people could put their bags down on the bench beside me. The other was if I would take pictures of these huge groups of friends that were there together. I quietly apologized and moved out of the way for the purse placers, and I became competent at taking pictures for other people. When they got what they needed from me, I was invisible again.

The force was still strong within me, and I knew I wanted to take the class, do my best, and support a good cause. I cannot tell you how good it feels to be doing things for others. Everyone should consider some sort of charity work.

One thing that I noticed immediately was that all of the advanced people (those that have been taking these classes far longer than me) were up front with the instructor. I am still in the learning process of all of these routines, and I struggled immensely to keep up/keep time with the rest of the group. I wasn’t alone in this struggle, as the whole back half of the room was filled with people not completely confident in what was going on. In hindsight, I probably could have (should have?) approached Kyya at the break and expressed my frustration. Instead… I let it get the better of me.

My will was failing me about an hour and fifteen minutes in. I was exhausted. There was no ventilation on the indoor court, so not only was it sticky and humid, it smelled like armpits and wet socks. It was hard to breathe and I let my guard down for a moment and that is why a panic attack swooped in. It’s one thing to deal with these on my own, but in public… let’s just say it is worse.

I left the moment the class was over. My head was down, I was focusing on trying to breathe. I couldn’t get out fast enough. I didn’t stay for the final door prizes and I did not talk to a single person on the way out. I only live two miles from my gym, but I cried all of the way home.

Once home, I talked to my husband who did an amazing job at making me laugh and focus on positive things. I wasn’t out of the woods yet though. I continued my sobbing in the shower and as my hair was drying.

I cannot remember the last time I felt that weak and defeated. My day had not gone at all according to my plans. My positive outlook on life was gone. I was in the middle of a pity party for one and briefly… I was okay being there.

But that is not really the purpose of this post today. The purpose of this post is to talk about what I learned. I learned that some days (a lot of days really) things are not going to go our way. We are going to be knocked down (a lot). The magic trick (which is no trick at all) is simply picking ourselves up again (easier said than done…but it can be done if you put the work in and it is always worth it).

My husband made an amazing point the other day (he does this a lot, thankfully!) about how it is okay for us to grieve when things don’t go as were hoped. Grieve, learn from any mistakes and to move on. We don’t want to be stuck in that wallowing stage (you know the one, where your friends stop calling as often because all you do is complain about how bad you have it and how the world is out to get you) for long. It is not a productive place to live.

This perspective really helped me focus my attention to other aspects of my life. And something even greater happened that very same day. I finally got up enough courage to start on a writing journey that mixes one of my most favorite television shows (Gilmore girls) and writing. In the coming weeks I will be starting a second blog that focus on GG only titled None Plus Five! I was going to try to do them on the same blog, and as much as I would like to, I just don’t see that happening the way I would like so a new one it is.

I have every intention of keeping up with both. This one will consist of all things that go on in my brain, and None Plus Five will focus on an episodic blog series where I will dissect every episode of Gilmore girls from the Pilot to the final episode of the 4-part revival series: A Year in the Life.

I have my work cut out for me and I couldn’t be more excited to get to work on what I love.

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